The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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