it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
