If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This is classic penis vs brain.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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