if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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