perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
