I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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