Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
