I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
