If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
