In the future we'll all be gay
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
