Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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