i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
