I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
