wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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