I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
