so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
