my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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