drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
