In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
