How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
