you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
