I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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