Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
