all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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