Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Girls should come with a carfax report
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
