they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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