i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
