They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂