Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
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Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet