i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.