I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
