Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Someone signed my nipple.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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