A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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