My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hippo gnu deer
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
