i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
