I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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