I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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