I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
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He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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