Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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