now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
NoShamevember. You game?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
