He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
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Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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