Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
