I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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