I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So vagazzling was a success
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