return my video game
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
