My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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