I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
