You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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