I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.