Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.