I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
