I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
where are you?
Hypothermia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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