if you like me you must not know who I am
Do you still have your period?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
