i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
