and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
